– Christopher Ready –

There are new plans to build a white picket fence along the entirety of the southern border of the United States. The fence is scheduled to be completed and freshly painted by Memorial Day 2012. The Congressional Committee in charge of the fence has stipulated in a recent hearing that Mexicans are not to touch or deface the fence, even on their side. 

“The preservation of the white paint is obviously integral,” said John Howard, Chief of Picket Construction, in his Friday press conference, “because of the contrast.”  Opponents of the picket fence have called the effort “futile” and “merely symbolic,” with many arguing that manicured hedges or rows of low trees would be more aesthetically pleasing and would “give us a little more privacy when we want to use the desert.” Proposals for a stately wrought-iron option were also considered, but ultimately rejected due to bird poop concerns. 

“Modern picket technology,” Howard continued, “is really unparalleled in its ability to not only keep people out but kind of make them not want to go in in the first place.” Daniel Wilson, author of the text Ivory Pickets, has called the white picket fence, “a sort of semi-permeable idea membrane.” Experts and citizens seem to be in agreement that the white picket fence protecting the United States is a good idea. The few protestors who marched with signs were, of course, dismissed immediately as hypocrites.